Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
pray to the hookup gods
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize