i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
