he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
