i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
