I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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