He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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