I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
