Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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