How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
