tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
