I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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