your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
