I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
