Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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