No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Randomize
