Pants 0. Shit 1.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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