From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
