At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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