She said her name was "party"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
