Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
