I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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