i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
