how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
