wake up i wanna do it froggy style
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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