my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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