Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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