I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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