I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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