you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
