I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
