my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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