I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
