I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
