Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
True strength comes from lack of pants
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Randomize
