I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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