Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Randomize