Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
