She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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