Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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