The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
