The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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