Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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