I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
