Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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