Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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