Non-Jews are for practice
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
