if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
