I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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