so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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