I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
