Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
