Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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