my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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