Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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