My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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