Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
