I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
