I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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