if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Nicole vs. Life
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
